It will be an interesting month.
Work has picked up considerably and we are now required to work 10 hour days until October.
Kind of sucks for my afternoon classes as I will no longer be able to make them, but it has allowed me to focus on some aspects of my personal practice that were unclear before.
Knowing that I was going to be at the office until 8 every night, it released the pressure of sticking to a schedule off and suddenly I didn’t have that extra anxiety in the morning that I didn’t even realize was there. I was able to focus completely on my practice and still got to work at the same time.
30 minutes of meditation and 20 minutes of stick work every morning for the last week (except Monday).
Sunday, I got a full two hours of my own practice at the park which was incredible, I did 30 minutes of qigong, 20 minutes of stick work, then I did the 23, 48 and 83 Erlu forms. The 83 was a bit rusty, but I took it very slow and just paused at the moments I was stuck until the next move came to me.
I started “The root of Chinese Qigong” again, which I never finished the first time. I had put so much pressure on myself to remember everything that I just burned out.
For the last couple weeks I have been suffering from a crisis of resolve. Wondering if I was wasting my time in all this, or if I was just convincing myself that I was feeling the sensation of chi, relaxation you name it. Wondering if I had just allowed myself to be hypnotized by the mysticism of it all and was just blindly going through the motions. (Which I realize now, I was because I was partially disengaged)
I felt like I had frozen in progress and that I was just kidding myself that I could teach this in the future at all. I was convinced I didn’t know anything and that my knowledge was so thin it would blow away at the slightest gust of wind.
I have had this intention to read all these books, to grow my knowledge, and yet I had not read any of them. Basically, I felt like a fake who was not doing justice to this ancient practice and that I should just quit.
Not to digress too much… but, I realized that the only way I was going to learn or to feel satisfied, was to do two things.
- Start reading and retain the information I could. Not stress so much about retaining everything, just letting the things that stick, stick and the stuff that doesn’t well… I will come back around to it.
- Dive in to the meditative side of personal practice to build a greater foundation for pushhands, form and just general life. (I also realized the importance of building familiarity with the wuji state of mind. You begin to be aware of where your mental center is at all times.)
One late night last week working, I just picked up the book and started reading it again.
I was feeling exhausted, the exhausted I usually feel right before I decide to go to bed or just shut my brain off and watch a movie (which i have been doing a lot of lately to distract myself). After the first page, I noticed a palpable wave of relaxation just pass through me.
I was not “straining” to read the book. I was actually relaxing in to it.
The words kept going by and I was finding myself not only understanding them, but enjoying where they were taking me.
So, I have been reading at work for breaks and when I get home at night as a way to wind down and decompress.
I seem to have accidentally brought over the intention I had during meditation, to detach all value and purpose from the action. In doing so, I was able to enjoy it just for what it was, not to reach some end goal of knowledge or relaxation, in the case of mediation.
To actually be present in the moment of action completely and fully with a focus and relaxed mind.
I now can see the reason the old masters stood in mediation for two hours every morning. it changes you. My thirty minutes will have to do for now.
The Restless Raven 