The Restless Raven

Aggression. Frustration. Confrontation. Pissing Matches.

These are the things I actively avoid. These are the things I have come to associate with negative emotions\reactions.

These are the things, we as a society, have allowed ourselves to drink too deeply of.

Instead of the standard of confrontation being empathy or application of logic, like… “Why is this happening”, “What part am I playing in the escalation of this”, “Is this even necessary?” “What is REALLY going on”. We have come to accept physical violence expressed either verbally, or through physical\emotional violence.

Instead of frustration being expressed or acknowledged as emotions, like “When you do that thing, it makes me feel undervalued because of blah. I would appreciate you not doing that”. We lash out, or worse yet, internalize it. Directing it inwardly and letting it to build up until the containment seal breaks and infects whomever or whatever is around at the time.

There are healthy ways to express all of these, you kind of HAVE to express all of these, they are a part of us. They cannot be completely ignored, nor can they be expressed in a way that results negatively to yourself or your environment. Got to find that balance, find that root, of WHAT is causing those feelings and express THAT.

I haven’t learned to do that. I suppress those feelings the moment I feel them. I won’t let myself be an aggressive male, I won’t let myself be someone who resorts to physical\verbal violence, I push it ALL down. Contain it and don’t allow myself to express those aspects of… well me. (Consciously anyway)

Through this process, as my teacher would say, I have become very yin. So afraid to seem aggressive or express it in any way that the automated response is retreat or withdrawal.

I seem to have lost the yang.

Maybe not lost, I know where it is contained. I can feel it yearning to come out. Those times when I am tired, I flash back to the times that I wish I had thrown a punch, those times I was cornered, a coiled, fiery ball of anger and fear, wanting to lash out and attack with all its force. Yet, contained by an impenetrable wall of logic saying, “This can only end badly if you let it escalate. Use your words, boy.”

There is no regret for not striking but still, I can’t help but wonder in those exhausted and frustrated moments,  what IF I had thrown that punch, tackled that clown, kicked that douche bag in the face. Expressed my rage, exerted myself and CLAIMED that space that was being challenged MY SPACE. Laying waste to my him, tossing him to the ground in utter defeat. Could I have done it?

There is no way to ever know.

So instead devolving back into an animal, I find myself here.

Week 4 of a chakra awareness class  and focusing on the heart chakra, where apparently, that containment system is. All that suppressed aggression and Yang energy have been clawing to be let out and expressed.

It didn’t take shape until last night after practice on the long walk to the store. I wanted to punch something, I wanted to exert my dominion of the space I was holding, I wanted confrontation, I wanted to show how much space I filled, I wanted to YELL.

I was walking very full, I felt like there was a bubble 20 feet around me projecting myself into the space all around me. A bubble full of just presence projecting challenge to anyone wishing to breach it.

I did not know how to express any of it. Aware that it needed to be released, but no clue how to do it healthily without collateral damage. I kind of started to empathize with the hulk.

Then I made the connection.

The form. I would yang the fuck out on the form.

So when I got, I yanged the fuck out. It was fantastic. In fact, writing this I feel like going back and doing it again. Totally did it.

I stamped, I kicked, I punched, I held my space.

Holding my space. I should probably do more of that. In all aspects, don’t be afraid to hold it… but don’t be an asshole.