The Great Divide

Recently, I have been playing with the idea of a separating my waist and hips.

Exploring around during Qigong with that concept and how it would play out in the body.

During meditation several weeks back, I started to become aware of the tension inside my hips and was sending waves of intention down to try to let it go. As I did this, I noticed an almost sensation in my legs that felt as if I had opened up the flood gates of blood to them. The feeling went  all the way down in to my feet, which began to feel like they were pulsing.

Along this same time, during certain meditations, I began to notice a feeling of electricity building up and shooting around inside my body. Much like the blood flow feeling, it’s like it was just a trickle before and now energy was free to flow more openly through it giving sensation to the areas around it that were asleep before.

I mention that, because today a different sensation started to encroach onto my awareness. An almost heaviness, that I could shift around internally from side to side through the body, or throw around to power my motion.

After about a week and a half off, I started a practice session this morning.

After some warming up, I noticed that my hips were moving with a lot less tension then before but there was still some tension inside the inner kua and the lower abdomen. So, I sent down the intention of letting that tension go.

Instantly, that tension melted away and I was able to sink farther than I have been able to comfortably in the past. Not only that, but my movement was originating in the waist instead the hips, which were hardly moving at all, yet the waist felt like it was almost going 360 degrees around my body with no effort what so ever. It changed the entire movement, I no longer had to think about each part of my body. Instead, I was just gliding from one move to the other with all my muscles relaxed.

 

I could swing my waist from side to side and it moved completely independent from my hips, which stayed pointing straight ahead as my waist was going one direction to the next.

No idea what this means. I often find that coming back after a break I have a different sensation in my movement. It will most likely go away as I dive back in to regular practice, but it is kind of exciting to feel the increased awareness of what is going on inside my own body.

That is all the motivation I need to keep going. To keep learning, exploring what is on the outskirts of my awareness in an attempt to shine more light on it.

 

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Layers of paint

When you try to open the window of an ancient unkept house, the kind with those old single pane windows with frames that appear to be more paint than wood. The latch, so covered with paint over the years, sticks. You have to wrench it open over and over forcing the built up paint to scrap off in to a path.

The more I get used to writing everyday,  the more I feel like my brain is that latch and the paint is every unexpressed idea or emotion. Every thought I feel gets held back or delayed until “later”, one more coat of paint upon the last one, until I feel like I’m slogging knee high through a marsh with every thought getting thrown in the cue keeping me from being present moment.

Stuck processing things from days before whether I want to or not.

Writing scrapes off that previous layer of paint. Stripping my brain down and preparing it to process the next thing clearly and in the moment.

Despite this knowledge, I still struggle to actually sit down and write. Falling on the excuse of not being in the usual position or in the quiet. Things aren’t “perfect” so I can’t just make my space for self care.

So, now I am writing in the midst of the Christmas chaos.

Children running around, people chatting, the roofer on the roof trying to fix the leak, bacon cooking, dogs barking, mom running around trying to frantically find things for the people on the roof…. Me sitting on the couch a quiet pocket of relaxation and internal quiet watching it all around me,  happy to be amidst the comfort of familiar voices and holiday insanity.

Just peeling away yesterday’s paint.

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Hulking Out

Aggression. Frustration. Confrontation. Pissing Matches.

These are the things I actively avoid. These are the things I have come to associate with negative emotions\reactions.

These are the things, we as a society, have allowed ourselves to drink too deeply of.

Instead of the standard of confrontation being empathy or application of logic, like… “Why is this happening”, “What part am I playing in the escalation of this”, “Is this even necessary?” “What is REALLY going on”. We have come to accept physical violence expressed either verbally, or through physical\emotional violence.

Instead of frustration being expressed or acknowledged as emotions, like “When you do that thing, it makes me feel undervalued because of blah. I would appreciate you not doing that”. We lash out, or worse yet, internalize it. Directing it inwardly and letting it to build up until the containment seal breaks and infects whomever or whatever is around at the time.

There are healthy ways to express all of these, you kind of HAVE to express all of these, they are a part of us. They cannot be completely ignored, nor can they be expressed in a way that results negatively to yourself or your environment. Got to find that balance, find that root, of WHAT is causing those feelings and express THAT.

I haven’t learned to do that. I suppress those feelings the moment I feel them. I won’t let myself be an aggressive male, I won’t let myself be someone who resorts to physical\verbal violence, I push it ALL down. Contain it and don’t allow myself to express those aspects of… well me. (Consciously anyway)

Through this process, as my teacher would say, I have become very yin. So afraid to seem aggressive or express it in any way that the automated response is retreat or withdrawal.

I seem to have lost the yang.

Maybe not lost, I know where it is contained. I can feel it yearning to come out. Those times when I am tired, I flash back to the times that I wish I had thrown a punch, those times I was cornered, a coiled, fiery ball of anger and fear, wanting to lash out and attack with all its force. Yet, contained by an impenetrable wall of logic saying, “This can only end badly if you let it escalate. Use your words, boy.”

There is no regret for not striking but still, I can’t help but wonder in those exhausted and frustrated moments,  what IF I had thrown that punch, tackled that clown, kicked that douche bag in the face. Expressed my rage, exerted myself and CLAIMED that space that was being challenged MY SPACE. Laying waste to my him, tossing him to the ground in utter defeat. Could I have done it?

There is no way to ever know.

So instead devolving back into an animal, I find myself here.

Week 4 of a chakra awareness class  and focusing on the heart chakra, where apparently, that containment system is. All that suppressed aggression and Yang energy have been clawing to be let out and expressed.

It didn’t take shape until last night after practice on the long walk to the store. I wanted to punch something, I wanted to exert my dominion of the space I was holding, I wanted confrontation, I wanted to show how much space I filled, I wanted to YELL.

I was walking very full, I felt like there was a bubble 20 feet around me projecting myself into the space all around me. A bubble full of just presence projecting challenge to anyone wishing to breach it.

I did not know how to express any of it. Aware that it needed to be released, but no clue how to do it healthily without collateral damage. I kind of started to empathize with the hulk.

Then I made the connection.

The form. I would yang the fuck out on the form.

So when I got, I yanged the fuck out. It was fantastic. In fact, writing this I feel like going back and doing it again. Totally did it.

I stamped, I kicked, I punched, I held my space.

Holding my space. I should probably do more of that. In all aspects, don’t be afraid to hold it… but don’t be an asshole.

 

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