I realized I am really out of practice with friendship.
I have mentioned before how I pulled myself through a lot of my addictions by separating myself from some of the extremely close friends I had back in the day.
There are a lot of positives that came from that, but I always feel a deep sorrow when looking back because often I feel that was the last time I was able to be carefree and allow myself to be completely open with those around me without the assistance of an intoxicant.
An unfortunate side effect to that experience is the nagging distrust I have for myself and others when it comes to dropping down my guard.
That dread of falling back in to old habits, or somehow slipping back in to my self abusive tendencies that in my head, feel like only a moment away from bursting free.
I have built up a behavior of mistrust and unease to remind myself that if let go, I will stop moving forward and go right back to where I started.
This has kept me from many deep friendships.
I recognize this as a new thing I need to heal from, but it is not easy.
Even this post has been extremely difficult to write, I have distracted myself several times to avoid some of the emotions that are stirring up.
It is something I am working on, actively reaching out more. Touching on those fringe areas of conversation that border on all out panic inside me. The fears, the vulnerabilities that I keep only to myself so that no one will see me as weak and I can “keep my advantage”.
Advantage over what? I have no idea.
Perhaps its the advantage of being so closed off that no one can get to me, no one will have anything over me to control me or manipulate me…. Manipulate me like I have manipulated myself?
There is a thought…
The idea that someone could know me well enough to invoke the same change I have created in myself kind of horrifies me.
Knowing all the things I have done in order to change my behavior, the knowledge of how easy it actually is to be influenced or steered in a direction. What if someone else sees that?
Perhaps its my sensitivity to any form of influence or manipulation that provokes that fear. Like a kid who was bullied when they were little, they will recognize all forms of it with much greater sensitivity and a stronger reaction than those without that experience.
Maybe, I have allowed myself to grow hyper sensitive and reactive to it, preventing me from even allowing myself to participate in the positive aspects of them. The aspects that are often present when a group of friends are having an open, raucous and fun discussion at the dinner table.
The kind of conversation that has no point, has no intention other than to enjoy each others company and to poke at each others personalities.
It is a frustrating struggle. To want to open up and join in but to not be able to find the words, or the connecting points to join the conversation, but it is still a pleasure to be around it.
*Sigh*
One day, I will finish repairing the damage I inflicted to rehabilitate myself.
In the mean time, thank you to all those I call my friends.
I enjoy your company and there will be opening, at some point, to a dinner table near you.
The Restless Raven 