Too Much Butt

16 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in form, horse stance, tai chi Tags: , ,

I was pretty sluggish and tired this morning, woke up early-ish but got to bed kind of late the night before. I made a valid attempt to meditate in the morning, but there was a much stronger pull to just enjoy the morning and do other things.

Checking in with my knees and they were feeling pretty good for most of the day.  Not much in the way of aches and pains even though yesterday they were popping and creaking most the day. Towards the end of the day they were starting to act up bit. It would appear that something I do while at work aggravates them. Not sure what, so it will warrant further investigation to really pinpoint the issue.

Through practice they didn’t hurt at all, standing and walking were where most of the pain was apparent.

Today’s practice:

Welp…. I was wrong again haha. I had a private lesson, and he pretty much said everything I was doing to correct myself in my last post was wrong :).

Specifically, sticking my butt out too far in my horse stances.

So, I was told to stop thinking about it and just relax the hips, just “Let them sink naturally. Don’t obsess about how to move them”.

Of course, this crazy simple advice led to another little physical\mental epiphany.

I relaxed…All the tension in my hips released, my knees went out and there was no pain even though I was lower than I probably should have been.

Sometimes it really annoys me how easy it is for me to over-complicate things.

  • 24 form x3
  • lots of talk about the proper way to stand and get in a horse stance.
  • 30 Min leading warm ups
  • 60 min form analysis

I am not a Robot

10 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in focus, tai chi Tags: , , ,

I think the most frustrating things I have had to deal with lately is the finding out that I have limits.

I have never been a fan of working within constraints, or even acknowledging them.. I have always generally just ignored them so that I could prove they were arbitrary things created by fear of failure, or some other rationalization. To find the constraints that are actually hard wired in to my system\environment and that I have very little control over is rather frustrating.

I know that rest is JUST as important as training. Rest allows the body to absorb the training and gives the mind a much needed break to process things. I guess, since I AM studying tai chi, I should think about it with the idea of yin and yang, one must have a similar amount of the two in order to achieve balance. Too much of one or the other will lead to an unstable structure and will eventually cause the system to fail.

So i guess that is why on an early rainy morning in san francisco I find found myself sleeping in and sitting on the couch writing :). Begrudgingly…. but only a little bit.

It can be difficult to interpret all the signals that are going on in the body\mind. For instance, as I sit here, there are two distinct voices in my head;

Voice 1: “Get up, practice! Dont be a lazy ass, you wont get ANYWHERE if you just sit here. There is too much for you to learn to have a rest day”

Voice 2: “Dude, just chill out. Wednesday and Friday are your rest days.”

But, those are just the aspects in my mind. There is also another level I am learning to listen to  in order to help me make these decisions. I am trying to listen to my body. Right now my body is telling me it is really enjoying time to be settled and relaxing on the couch. Its telling me I have been changing its structure a TON lately and it needs a breather.

Its not just laziness…it’s a feeling deep in my muscles and bones. Its mostly coming from the knees, hips and lower back. They are telling me they definitely need a break. So I am not going to push them. They are the pretty much the most important parts of my body and I should probably ease off them when they start to grumble and creak.

They will be ready to go after a bit of rest and my mind will enjoy wandering a bit and exploring some of the lessons that have been passed on through the week.

So, rest up body. Tomorrow we are going to work on those limits you seem to have.

Todays practice:

  • Nada-damn-thing!

robot

Its All Part of the Same River

09 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in focus, meditation Tags: ,

None of my meditation sessions are ever the same. Each one has its unique obstacles I must overcome as well as its own lessons to be learned. Sometimes I am able to get past the roadblocks, and sometimes I have to stop and come back later.

However, often times my meditation does follow a generally similar path.

After about five minutes my ego kicks in, trying to convince me I dont have the time to meditate right now, or any of the other million excuses. I try to breathe in to this. Trying to allow my consciousness to relax. Much like my muscles, which kick in later, my ego is tensing up trying to hold on to its grip of the world.

Breath in to the dantian, through the nose and out the mouth.

At about the 15 minute mark, my arms start to ache. I employ a similar tactic, though this time each breath I imagine a ripple of intention, much like ripples in a pond after dropping in a stone, passing from the head down through the rest of the body. It moves slowly, and everything it passes through is sent to relax. I continue this process until I feel the body no longer straining to maintain its standing posture.

About the 25 minute mark I hit another barrier. Its still a relatively new one, so it is kind of hard to describe. In this point of the meditation, I am usually working on allowing my consciousness to sink in to my dantian. More often than not, it is resting somewhere between my third eye and my heart chakra. It just kind of bounces between there throughout meditation.

But lately, there have been moments where it sinks all the way to my dantian, it never lasts long, but it definitely stops by for a visit.

It is most closely related with a level of relaxation that is pretty rare for me to achieve. My body is just floating, and my mind, though still mostly in my head, is loosely aware of my dantian. Usually I imagine a little rubber ball just making circles around it and sometimes find myself talking to it….asking how it’s doing and just seeing if it talks back :D.

So this barrier I seem to sense is the doorway into moving more in to my dantian. It’s like my intention is knocking on a door…or a wall to find the places in between the studs where it can get through the Sheetrock. Or maybe….finding an old ventilation shaft it can sneak into before the guards find it.

Like all the other roadblocks, I have a sneaking suspicion that the key will be to relax more. But finding the WAY to relax will be the difficult part. As with everything, the more attention I pay to it, the more little subtleties I overlooked become apparent.

Its a process that I am told never stops, though it may slow down at times.

There will always a new aspect or perspective to be gained in this practice. I have a long way to go, but if discovery is always going to be this fun, I sure am not going to stop :).

Today’s practice:

  • 35 min standing meditation
  • 1 hour private lesson
    – mostly went over the first move of the 24
  • 45 minutes qigong
  • 30 min teaching the opening move

image

Umm…Say What Now?

08 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in focus, motivation, tai chi Tags: , , , ,

I was asked teach a new student yesterday. I knew I would need to eventually, but I thought I had a bit more time to mentally prepare before being cast into the fire.

We did the usual warm ups, 30 minutes of silk reeling, then the bomb was dropped.I was to take the new student to the other studio and teach the first move of the form. My brain had a mini aneurism. It was as if every ounce of what little knowledge I obtained had packed up and headed straight for the door. Suddenly, I was just some Joe off the street again, what business do I have teaching someone?? I had to struggle just to remember the form during warmup!

There was almost a haze in my vision as I struggled internally to calm myself. After several deep breaths I, barely, was able to grab the coat tails of my fleeting knowledge and drag it back into the entryway. It’s still fixing to leave…but at least I had a hold of it.

The session actually ended up going just fine. I was certainly nervous and spent the first several minutes fumbling around my descriptive imagery, but eventually came through and was able to teach the rest of the first move. The lead up to it however, left a disturbing unfamiliar residue on the hallways of my mind that I’m not quite sure what to make of.

I can’t recall anything similar to that experience in my past, nor can I remember reading anything that sounds similar. That makes pretty much a full week of new experiences and situations…. I am venturing into uncharted territory my friends. Let’s hope I packed everything I needed.

Sunday’s practice:

1.5 hours primordial Qigong

30 min silk reeling

30 min 24 teaching

Today’s practice:

24 form x4

83 form x1

2 hours silk reeling

Something Under The Bed Is Drooling

06 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in focus, meditation, tai chi Tags: , , , ,

I think I have turned a corner.

You know the feeling when you are trying to create a new routine. Every day seems like a struggle, you have to convince yourself to wake up early or to actually put forth the effort to practice. Well that certainly wasn’t today.

We had to be at the studio early, like super early, 7 AM to finish cleaning the floor. Well, I got up at 5:30 and I could feel a distinct change. I don’t really know how to describe it other than to say it was just…natural. I got up, made breakfast did some warm up exercises and headed out the door.

Class was really different today as well, it seemed like the energy in the studio was more vibrant somehow. There were about 14 students that showed up for Silk Reeling, usually there are about 6 of us, and the energy was extremely lively. Everyone was talking, laughing, joking and there were distinct groups of people off enjoying separate conversations. I couldn’t detect one person that felt awkward at all, including me… which is completely bizarre. I have always felt at home at the studio, don’t get me wrong. But I have always carried around with me a certain level of anxiety everywhere I go. Like I am not quite comfortable in my own skin. But not today and, now that I think about it, not much this week either.

I don’t really know what that means… or if it will suddenly vanish come Monday morning. But what I do know is that it has been a long time since I have felt this relaxed and at home. I hope it continues to grow with my practice.

Today’s Practice:

Lively practice in class today!! So much good energy all around, deeper horse stances, bigger circles… just good 🙂

  • Mopping the floor. Wax on Wax off style 🙂
  • 1.5 hours Silk Reeling
  • 1.5 hours 24 form practice

CalvinGrownUp

Calvin And Hobbes all Grown Up

Expanding Awareness

03 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in focus, meditation, tai chi Tags: , , , ,

Had a little mini revelation the other day while doing standing meditation.

I was thinking about the concept of perception and awareness. There are a huge number of things that I am aware. Hundreds of things, in fact, multiplied by every sense we have. Sight, hearing, taste, smell, thought and all of the senses going on in the body. Most of which I tune out, there is just no way I couldn’t possibly pay attention to it all.

There is a common description used when describing how to meditate, particularly applied to those thoughts that suck you in while attempting to “silence the mind”.

“Treat your thoughts like clouds in the sky. Don’t focus on one cloud, allow the clouds the drift freely through the sky. Allowing them to pass, unfettered from one side to the other”.

Well it occurred to me, that this concept shouldn’t just be limited to thought. Granted, everything in the end comes down to thought, but it should also apply to all the senses.

Getting my mind to a spot where it is aware of everything, but nothing at the same time. Allowing my perception to absorb all of my awareness and let the input flow freely into my consciousness without hitting the snags of focus.

I have been talking a lot about de-cluttering my mind lately and I feel like this little epiphany is directly related. I have started to become consciously more aware of the things that take up attention in my mind, the deeper I go, the more layers I find and the more sensitive I become to new ones forming or old ones popping back up. Slowly the layers are at least becoming more visible at each new discovery there is a level of analysis on its impacts and level of necessity.

I have been unable to completely purge facebook from my life as of, yet however. I realized it had become a fairly large form of relaxation for me and I didn’t have anything else to fill its time. So, instead of completely cutting it off, I have greatly reduced the amount I use it, or rather the REASONS I use it. I don’t allow myself to just pick it up and check every moment, I make a conscious effort to only pick it up WHEN I am ready to take a quick little mental break. Just the intention change has made a huge difference in the drain on my attention levels and has reduced the stress that just mindlessly picking it up every free moment caused.

I have taken that approach to my learning and practice as well, giving myself dedicated specific intention for each study session or practice as well as a dedicated time for relaxation.This has allowed me to feel a little more solid in the day to day. Doing this has greatly improved my focus at work as well as my tai chi practice. My mind is able to focus directly on what is in front of me and what I am actively doing, instead of what I SHOULD be learning or doing or stretched out across 8 different things.

This little milestone has actually helped me considerably this last couple days as I have started back from my vacation. I am allowing myself dedicated recharge time and am taking a little mental check-in on my mental\physical status when I feel I need to learn\do something. I only proceed if I am not feeling any level of exhaustion mentally or physically.

On top of all this, my mediation practiced has just leveled up. I am going forward with the idea that all of which I perceive is the sky and the little pockets of awareness are clouds. Floating through wherever the wind will carry them. Present, yet only conscious of them.

So far so good. Lets see how it goes!

Tuesday’s Practice:

Private lesson today. We went over the first two moves of the form in GREAT detail

  • 15 minutes standing meditation
  • 1 hour private lesson. 24 Form 1 time full. 6 times just the first two moves
  • 1.5 hours Advanced Tai Chi. 83 Form 1 time all the way through, rest of the night was learning moves 32 through 46

Today’s Practice:

  • 24 form x3
  • First two moves x4
  • 1.5 hours Dynamic Qigong
  • 47 pull ups throughout the day

Crazy People in the Rain

01 Jun 2015 1 Comment

by TheRestlessRaven in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

Tai Chi in the rain today… I must admit I kind of felt like a badass. The rest of the park was totally empty, it was just me and another student practicing it was amazing. Its been so long since I have been in the rain and had forgotten how rejuvenating it was. The only thing missing was a Chinese flute player playing in the background.

First day back during the week practice. Must say I am ready to get back at it and work hard for a couple weeks. I didn’t get a chance to sit down and figure out my weekly schedule, but I have one roughly setup in my head that I am going to try out.

After that full week of forced rest, it ended in what’s was starting to be a deep depression. It had been so long since I had taken a break that I forgot about what happens when I haven’t practiced for a couple days… depression.

It’s bizzare, but I can clearly tie it to my Tai chi practice so I guess I’ll just have to keep practicing :).

Saturdays Practice:

  • 1.5 hours of dynamic Qigong
  • 1.5 hours Beginning Form (24)
  • 2 hours of Push hands

Sundays Practice:

  • 1.5 hours Hunyuan Qigong
  • 1.5 hours Beginning Form (24)

Today’s practice:
lots of discussion about different mental intentions we could have when practicing. Mostly stuff we were each told in private lessons and sharing the critiques so that we can all have as much info as we can.

In class I was asked to lead, I completely blanked. I have been studying the warmup routine, but it has been a while since I have practiced the full 1.5 hour qigong routine. I know what I will be working on this week.

  • 24 form x2
  • 30 min qigong practice
  • 83 (as much as we know) x1
  • 1.5 hours dynamic qigong
  • .5 hour train surfing (its really kind of ridiculous how easy it is at this point…But….sometimes I do lose focus
  • 6 sets on the hour of 30 squats

The Brain, Unplugged

27 May 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in Uncategorized Tags: , ,

Ok. So it turns out I do need some down time.

I took the last 3 days off of anything Tai chi and went up to visit some friends. It was good to give my brain a rest. I realized I got kind of caught up in all the things I needed to learn and was trying to cram it all in to every possible crevice.

Unstructured time is important, I have to remind myself yet again,  keeps me sane and just gives my brain a break.  Going to make sure I fit more of that in going forward so I don’t burn myself out.

The rest of the week is going to be pretty laid back. Going to ease back in slowly so I don’t completely ruin the vacation  brain I still have going on. I will spend most of the week figuring out what the proper balance is to achieve the level of training I want,  as well as keeping myself some down time.

Today’s practice:
not a damn thing.

The Excuse Machine

21 May 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

It’s amazing to me how even though I know I want to do Tai chi for the rest of my life,  and I know I want to practice everyday…. I still wake up and don’t feel like practicing some times.

The excuse machine was on full this morning. Today was… Oh,  I used up all my intensity yesterday …. I should practice if I don’t feel like it yeah? Maybe I should just go to work early since I need to leave early… My legs feel a little tired… Maybe I’ll just give them a rest today…..Well I had a big break through yesterday… I should rest…  Oh my head just isn’t in it today.

Well… Obviously it wasn’t in it today.

I haven’t been able to pin down what the differences are between motivated days and unmotivated days… But regardless,  I was able to get myself to do some meditation. Even that was a little difficult to focus,  but I managed about 25 min.

In lieu of Qigong this morning,  I continued to read the “The Root of Chinese Qigong”  book by Dr. Yang that I found on my roommates bookshelf a bit ago.  I may not be training my body,  but I am going to further improve my practice in one way or the other.

I am not about to force my body to do something, I have been trying to listen to it more and just be more in tune with it. It wants what it wants I suppose.  I am not going to be able to force myself in to learning everything I was meant to know. That just doesn’t sound very fun :)… And I just don’t think it works like that.

I just decided not to argue with myself in the end. I went the path that had the least “noise”  when I thought about it.  That path was,  breakfast,  read,  meditate,  bus surf.

I’m not sure if I’m on to something,  or if I am letting my laziness get the best of me.  But all I can do is follow the day as it presents itself and just try to be fully aware of which direction is feels the best…. Or is that just another excuse.

Todays practice:

  • 60 minutes of train surfing (I think its time to mix this up. It’s so easy it is turning in to meditation)
  • 25 minutes of stand meditation (Middle position)
  • 2 hour seminar on a new health program. Possibly more details to come.

Fierce and Full

20 May 2015 Leave a comment

by TheRestlessRaven in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

In the private lesson yesterday, my teacher pointed out to me that it looked like my lower and upper body were holding back.

This really struck a chord with me, as its is something I have been acutely aware of in other aspects of my life.

I have always felt like I was holding something back. Holding back ideas, holding back my passion, holding back interest…just holding back something. Never pushing myself to that extra limit, always pulling up before reaching my potential.

People that know me would say…

“If that’s holding back, I don’t want to see your at full throttle.”

And they are right, I get intense when I am really in to something and yet despite that, I still always feel I am holding back…. 3 years of intense obstacle races, years of drunken out of control parties, crazy hours working on school projects, intense singular focus on work projects…. Yet, still always had the feeling that lingering feeling. Almost like I am waiting for something worthy of my full attention and intensity.

My mind can be a highly focused whirlwind. When it gets pointed at something everything else disappears and I live and breath that thing until I take it to the edge its capacity. More often then not though, I learn it doesn’t have the promise I originally thought and move on without looking back.

In the past, it has led to bad decisions, bad relationships, and tricky situations in general.

I never wanted Tai Chi to be that way. I started slow… For me :)… I went to class 4 times a week and practiced every morning for 2 hours. I learned the first form pretty quick…. At least the over all choreography (I hope to never stop learning corrections to the form). It took over my exercise routine time. So to me, it was just exercise and nothing more. I of course was really in to it, but it was kind of a probing cursory interest for about a year.

Well, I turned a corner one could say. I find myself wanting to take Tai Chi to that place I have never been. The place where I take it past my comfort zone, right past the point of passive interest, and straight past the point of no return.

I have amped up to next level and as a result I had yet another breakthrough in my form this morning:

Fierce and full.

Those were the concepts I was left with after my private lesson to kind of start exploring.

Fierce.. Not in a vicious way. Fierce like…. This is all of me to my limit. Not angry, not vicious, fierce just completely taking up the space my body and presence require. Fierce like, I am here, in the present and you have my full undivided attention.

Full, very similar to fierce. Full like my body is completely extended, my legs and arms released from inhibition. Completely involved and focused in each move, expression of intention from ever limb and every part of the body with a purpose.

With that in mind, My form completely changed. Half way through the first run through, beads of sweat started forming on my forehead. By the end, my arms had a layer of sweat on them as well. The speed did not differ from my usual (still too fast), yet my body and mind were fully engaged in each moment. This was a completely new feeling, allowing myself no distracted thought. Fully in the moment of what and how my body was moving. I think this was a taste of what Tai Chi is supposed to be. At least its a glimpse of a new level of practice
Three more times I did the form just like that. I have gained a new respect for the form and each movement.

Going forward I will be fierce and full. No more holding back and no more excuses. World of tai chi, here I come.

Todays Practice:

After the intensity of that form practice I got pretty tired later in the day. Took it kind of easy in the evening Dynamic Qigong class.

  • 24 form 4 times intensely
  • 120 pushups throughout the day
  • 14 pullups
  • 30 squats
  • 1.5 hours Dynamic Qigong

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